God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
