Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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