Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
