well I can't set my house on fire every night
that's an acceptable place to lick
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
