You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
