CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
