i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm like, not good at living.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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