You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
