Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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