I accidentally burped into my bong.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
