I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
