the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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