the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
