she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize