You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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