I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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