But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
