stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
