If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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