I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
