Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just found puke in my bra..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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