No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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