Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
