I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
