dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
