if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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