We won't sleep together?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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