Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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