1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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