I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize