i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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