I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
