I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
