your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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