Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
