meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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