Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
