Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
