At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
