The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it glows. i had to have it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
