Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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