Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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