I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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