Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
