Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
