Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
