did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize