tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
