I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
