I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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