In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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