i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
