Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
