he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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