and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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